It’s Leap Year Day. I love February 29th. It’s one of my most secretest of wishes. I would have loved to have been born on just about any February 29th. A birthday every four years would work well for me. Plus, I’d only be about 14 now and I’d stick to that number. No sliding over to February 28th. And if Leap Year isn’t strange enough in your own personal equation of time, it looks more than genuinely possible that Donald J. Trump will be the nominee of the Republican Party for President of the United States. You’d think it was April Fool’s Day. But noooooo. It’s, um, true.
So here is a Monday Morning Leap Year Comment. Skip if you don’t want politics with your coffee. This a long ride for three easy take aways. And remember that on Leap Year Day you get to speak the truth. Every other day it’s more polite not to.
“This is really going to happen. Oh my.”
“Geez, I knew that already.”
“He must type really fast.”
“Geez, I knew that already.”
“He must type really fast.”
I wonder how many sane people across America are saying this to themselves. “This is really going to happen.” Could it be? Could one of the major political parties be going down the road of pure unadulterated idiocracy? The Republicans are really doing _this_? Whatever else might be said of the Democrats’ contest and the ability of progressives to snatch defeat from the hands of victory, we ain’t got nuthin’ on these people. America’s stupid is in full force. And of course it is far more dangerous than that: it is a full-throated racist nativism that appeals to the worst of the mob’s cravings. No one can sit this one out because their favorite didn’t win. (Don’t even think about it.) Time to go to the mattresses.
First, the Christie endorsement makes sense. CC has no political future that can’t be remade after the Trump defeat. R’s have no capacity to remember anything: think Nixon and Reagan. One had Checkers and the other never knew he was not acting while being President. At present CC couldn’t be reelected dog catcher (apologies to dog catchers) in NJ, he knows this, so why not go down the Palin Path of pure grifter? He announced at his endorsement that his plan is to become “rich like Trump.” This is the shortest path to that end. Plus, he did this because he really, really hates Rubio. Because he lost, Marco cannot, must not win. It’s the logic of the street corner. So when Trump loses, he’ll be rewarded for his loyalty, and given the short attention span of, well, everything, he’ll be back in politics after he’s fully cashed out. In the meantime he can finish ruining what’s left of New Jersey and be on TV. He doesn’t mind being truffle boy to Captain Cadbury here: he’ll end up in the velvet and laughing all the way to the bank. Mixed metaphors are a special dispensation on Leap Year Day.
Now Jeff Sessions of Alabama is, well, famous for being the last living Senator reelected from the former Confederate States of America. His whole name is Jeff. His friends call him “F” for short. They also can’t spell “Jeff.” It certainly does appear to be a long time since the Party of Lincoln saved the Republic, doesn’t it? That same Party has taken its new place in the old world order. Word has it too that Sessions and Jeff Davis were tight. Let’s leave aside that Sessions is nefarious, stupid, bigoted, and all we would expect: he too has absolutely nothing to lose. Sessions would be reelected in Alabama if he campaigned in his KKK robes. McConnell, whose only political principle is reelection, will forgive, forget, and ignore anyone’s choices this season because he cares _only_ about reelection. The fear of the loss of power is the reason for all McConnell decisions. Use this principle to understand just how bereft of principles the Republicans really are. Whatever it takes to be reelected will be okay with Mitch; the rest is just politicāsana.
So who else they got? The loathing for Cruz is so universal that not even the loathsome Sessions went with He, not him. I thought for sure Sessions would go with Cruz. But nooooooo, EVERYONE hates Ted. What did Lindsey say? If murdered on the Senate floor the killer wouldn’t be convicted by the Senate? That’s not a bad good joke for a guy who’s finally met another guy with an even more creepy demeanor than his own. Cruz won’t quit because it’s part of the pathology that he doesn’t care how much everyone hates him. He actually likes it. He has children too. Think about that for a minute. Sorry to ask that.
Nota Bene: love for good Doctor Carson runs deep among the crazies but even they get that narcolepsy is a serious illness. Kasich, I hear, is holding out so that he can invite all those nice ladies in the kitchen in Ohio to come out and vote. He is the ersatz Mr McFeely (sincere apologies to Mr McFeely) whose policy positions are simply the _same same_ crazy as the rest but, you know, are spoken like Mr McFeely talks to Daniel Tiger. His delivery however speedy compared to Carson is not going to make one difference in this neighborhood. All doors are officially unhinged. Somewhere in Ohio someone is missing their dog.
Then there is the MarcoBot. I once, for a very brief moment even more perfunctory than my hopes for Garden State Coolness, was worried about Lil’Marco (Trump’s taken to calling him this too) being, you know, a more formidable candidate. But no more do I worry. I even invoke Yoda-syntax here: worry not I will about the MarcoBot… He just can’t wear Big Boy Pants. Christie ate his lunch and now works for the Weggie King. And Rubio, rather stupidly of course, is willing to play in Trump’s sandbox, so the 4th grade comebacks to the 6th grade bully have made clear just how far out of his league he is. Rubio stands to lose his home state, HIS HOME STATE. Badly. That will be his end even if he doesn’t quit the race. Over. And with that Florida win, Trump wins. That’s not an unimportant point because it means The End (hear Jim Morrison here) of The Establishment’s Last Hope. Obi-wan is nowhere too be found. Fine del tempo. Se acabó. Let’s go to the video tape. (Invoke the Immortal Warner Wolf’s voice right here.)
So Cruz will stay in after Tuesday because somehow Texas will vote for this anguilliforme, once again proving that they are truly lone among the stars. (Apologies to eels.) But if you are still with me, here is the key: if Trump wins more than 50% of the delegates on Super Tuesday tomorrow, then there is a clear path to his majority at the convention. He won’t be going to the convention far ahead of the others with talk of “brokering”, he will be winning outright. As a D who would happily vote for ANY Democrat, corrupt or not, than step into this pile without an ice cream stick, I can almost smell the House, not just the Senate. Unless of course Trump wins. Then the Republic is finished. It is possible too that the Republic might not survive if the Confederates refuse the election results. They will indict President Clinton on the first day for…well, anything. They will refuse to acknowledge a President Sanders claiming that communists can’t be presidents. All of that is Quite Possible in the Land of the Unhinged Doors. Secession will gain Sessions endorsement again. Only this time I will support him. By April 1st this will all be sewn up. The end of an empire is never pretty. Happy Leap Year Day!